Alice Miller, child abuse and mistreatment

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Painful relationship
Sunday December 03, 2006

Hello.
I am writing to You as I find myself on the third year of going round in circles in my relationship. I am 30 years and in an on/off relationship with a 7 year younger man. I am very outspoken about my feelings and my own tough childhood. He seems to be drawn to this and wants to "improve" himself in a more tender direction. But he has extreme difficulty speaking about his feelings and opening up. Not just Your regular "guy-thing" but really to an extreme where he can just say a few sentences in a kind of whispering voice. He was hit as a child and though he is starting to see a bit of the pain in it, he still supports his parents in doing it, and wants to do it to his own children one day. Of course I will never have his children because of that. But right now the issue is that whenever we have taken a step to get more trusting and close, he immidiately afterwards distances himself from me. Hot-cold-hot-cold. It is of course very painful to be close one week and the next week be completely ignored. I just want to know if You know if this behaviour is common for people who have been physically abused but deny the pain of it...or I should think more along the lines that he just doesn't love me...
Thank You for all Your work which was a real light in my tunnel and still is.
Best Wishes, K.

AM: Why do you need a relationship that makes you suffer and with a man who already tells you now that he would like to spank his children in the future? Does he remind you of anybody you knew in your childhood?

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