Sunday October 29, 2006
Dear Ms. Miller,
I am desperate for help as I feel that I am in the middle of the fight of my life. After reading Drama again, I am comforted by your understanding of childhood abuse but I don't know quite where to go from here. I considered further exploration of Stettbacher's method, until my search on the web uncovered your denunciation of his credentials.
I could very well be a textbook case as you described in Drama. I am an only child, female and have been abused by both parents' since birth. My mother endured a difficult labor and rejected the doctors' suggestion that she hold me upon birth. I have a photograph of myself in a basinet with my mother looking over me while I am holding my own bottle in an attempt to feed myself. Breastfeeding would have definitely been out of the question; she didn't even like to be touched. She often voiced her opinion that sex was only for procreation and she would actually cringe if my father; would approach her. She slept in my bed off and on until I was sixteen years of age in order to avoid my father which of course alienated the two of us even further.
Writing this is very difficult. My anxiety level is very high and I am in intense pain. There is so much I could say and I am concerned about being coherent. It's like there's a volcano of rage inside that I am trying to control so that someone will be sympathetic and want to help me. Perhaps it's best for me to describe the effects of the abuse. I have been treated for clinical depression, panic attacks and anxiety throughout my "adult" life. I feel that I have been an adult my entire life. I have attempted suicide several times and still think of it although my true desire is to live. I really want to live though as I was meant to; as myself not as a pawn to be manipulated by two deeply disturbed people who refuse to address their. own illness but instead willingly sacrifice their only child. I am now forty-nine and It's like there's a volcano of rage inside that I am trying to control so that someone will be sympathetic and want to help me. Please give me some direction as I think I may go mad if this goes on much longer. I have no support system as I have no other family(an early marriage was a disaster), a history of exploitative relationships and I know that I must heal on some level before I pursue any more relationships of any kind.
Thank you for your work. Drama is the only truth that speaks to me.
AM: You write: "It's like there's a volcano of rage inside that I am trying to control so that someone will be sympathetic and want to help me." It is exactly this fully legitimate rage that can help you if expressed and understood. The depression and panic attacks come when you try to control your rage and other feelings. Since the DRAMA helped you so much why don't you read the other books, esp. The Body Never Lies? You need a therapist who could help you feel the plight of the small abused, rejected and neglected child you once were. On this web, on the page "Articles," you will find the FAQ (frequent asked questions) list that could help you find a therapist who is not afraid to see how parents destroy the lives of their children. If you think you should now sacrifice your life for your parents because they are old, take the photo of yourself with the bottle and ask yourself: whom could I have asked then to give me a warm breast? My mother is here, looking at me and has no pity. She didn't teach me to care about me. I will learn to do it however. I will learn from my body, from my FEELINGS, even from my justified rage, to love ME.