Alice Miller, child abuse and mistreatment

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The age
Friday July 28, 2006

Thank you for what you do. I have all your books (read many times "The Drama of the Gifted Child"). It is as if you are speaking to and of me. I have just completed (for the third time) "The Truth Will Set You Free".

I am a retired University Adm. Age 70. I have been in and out of therapy in the last 15 years (never over one year) until recently with Psychologist for two years. At the risk of using labels, I am a very functional Narcissistic Personality Disorderhaving spent most my life alone in the total sense of the word. Currently (after two years) I feel absolutely NO progress or minimal change as it relates to my aloneness, isolation and visual appearance. Needless to say, I would prefer not to be living. I am currently on 300 mg of and antidepressant daily. The irony in my life is that I am in excellent health, a millionaire and confirmed by many (for all the volunteering I do with court ordered Parenting classes) as a very decent and considerate human being. I might add, I use your comments to make my point on parenting. I am also considered intelligent (Phd) which understandably works against my progress. In fact, it tends to become my enemy.

My current feelings are to give up trying (and their fore never really living). I doubt very much that I can end my life by my own hand (a mortality issue?). I believe that I am simply not a good candidate for change, even with a good therapist.

Given the above: What are my options at such a late stage of my life.

1. Continue therapy even when I FEEL a successful outcome will never occur (given my age and history).
2. Continue therapy because progress will eventually occur "in spite of me".

3. While being unable or unwilling to ACCEPT what is, accept that my life will always be overwhelmed by my loneliness and "not being good enough" A fate far worth than death (after 70 years).

I don't know if you will read this or respond, but I need to try. Thank you again for your profound words.

F. P. P.

AM: I read your letter and am very sorry that I can't respond to it because I feel that whatever I would write, it will not reach you as long as you take antidepressants. The only one thing I can tell you without hesitation is my experience with myself and others that it is NEVER too late to feel and understand our truth, namely the suffering of the small child we once were. This would mean to feel for the first time his suppressed fear and rage which would liberate your energies and the joy of life. But, unfortunately, the medication makes all this impossible.

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