Take seriously what you already know
Sunday May 07, 2006
During the reading of Das Drama des begabten Kindes I just had a dream. I was three years old and a man -who I cannot recognize but somehow reminded me of my father- was sitting in front of me, naked, suggesting me to play with his penis. I felt fear, confussion, shame, and the dream finished at this point. When I woke up had the feeling that it wasn't a dream, but I am not sure who is this man. A few days later I just remember that my aunt also abused me, with medical purposes, according to what she said at that time. I tried yesterday to talk to my mother, after months without replying her calls, because I needed to know how many times I was alone with unkown people or relatives. She said never, and that nothing wrong happent to us. I told her that something was missed, because I feel deeply sad and have a lot of nightmares. So I asked her to try to remember.
For the last week I cannot sleep. I had a new dream paralysis a few days ago and afterwards I just cannot sleep until dawn. Every time I feel sad I cry as much as I can, I've been mourning for the last week because I need to feel clearly that nobody is going to give me the love that my parents denied to me. But I cannot feel yet the abuse, I only can see it with an intellectual distance. I'm just mourning for the abandonment of my parents, something that I knew longtime ago.
I also understand now why I came to China. Nobody has never understood me and eventually what I did is to move to a country where it is for me impossible to be understood. Now I think I can go anywhere else, but still want to stay here for a while, because of my career. I also felt in love with a man, 21 years older than me. I feel that he cannot understand what I'm going through, I just explain to him very little, because I wanted first to see his reaction, which was quite cold. He is usually tender, caring and I can see how he makes efforts to be in touch with me and to express his feelings, although now is gone back to Spain. But I am not sure he is going to support me in this mourning, or if he should, or if he can see who I really am. Sometimes I think it is unfair to blame him because I realise cannot understand me and I usually feel abandoned in a relationship. We just met 15 days ago. But I am trying to value all this emotions and not to ask a support that maybe I wont get. I think that for the first time I am realistic and try to protect myself.
Thank you for your advise. I will keep reading your books.
With respect and love
AM: It seems that you could benefit from reading and you understand now much more than before about yourself. But you need yet to TAKE SERIOUSLY what you already know and to stop ignoring your knowledge it in the way your mother did. She maintains that she doesn't remember anything but your body remembers very well. If you once are ready to see that it WAS your father in your dream (who else?) you will no longer be compelled to chose cold men and countries where NOBODY CAN UNDERSTAND you. I wish you good luck in finding a country where you WANT and CAN be understood.