Alice Miller, child abuse and mistreatment

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No longer in the trap
Monday December 05, 2005

Dear Ms. Miller.

I recently wrote you a letter that now appears in your splendid website. I was impressed how fast you responded to my letter. I want to thank you with all my heart for your answer. It helped me to understand and feel my fear from my parents, fear that kept so many things suppressed. It now understand that the "innocent" slaps on my cheeks were indeed physical abuse. After reading your answer, I suddenly remembered that my father used to hit my brother. I understood that my mother abused me sexually as well.
I am now writing a letter to my parents, directly confronting them with their lack of love, abuse, and neglect. This makes me feel free and to love myself for the first time in my life. My behavior in everyday life is rapidly changing. I act more kindly and feel more love and empathy to children and to my pets. I am becoming more assertive. I feel I am discovering my true self thanks to all this pain. I am also helping two friends of mine to understand their childhood and go through this painful journey with loving support. You helped me transform my life and the lives of people I love. For this I will remember you and thank you for the rest of my life.

"Norman"

A.M.: Dear Norman, you got it. Your success doesn't surprise me. You may still experience sometimes pain, fear and anger, even much anger. But now you will know WHY these emotions come up, what they have to tell you, if you want to understand them. You are no longer in the trap where most people are staying over their whole lives waiting their parents to change, keeping their illusions alive and paying for this self-betryal with chronic illnesses. Now, nobody can take you your knowledge and your new experiences away. They will lead you.
Since you dare to love you, to listen to you, you will dare to listen to your patients too. From their childhood history you will learn everything you need to be able to help them - only by understanding their lives.
Theories and medication serve only to support our own denial. Once we can drop it we regain empathy as you describe it yourself. The more you give up your illusions, the easier you will feel who you really are. Congratulations.

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