Alice Miller, child abuse and mistreatment

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your book "Die revolte des Korpers" and my therapy experiences
Thursday August 18, 2005

Dear Ms Miller,

I am a French citizen living in the French Riviera

I have just read your book in French : "Notre corps ne ment jamais" and read most of the articles on our Web-site

I would like to share with you the tremendous relief I have felt reading your book and your articles

I have also a history of child abuse that I will not relate here , but will just add is was aggravated by 10 years in an american new age cult , that I joined while living in the US right after my university studies (in Law ) ; I have exited this cult since 1996 ;

I have followed several therapies of all kinds and even some recent techniques like Family Constellations (inspired by the works of Bert HELLINGER) and found some help and relief, but always the same problem : the therapist always inducing "you should honor your father and mother for the life they gave you"

and "you should not judge your parents" and "to really heal, you need to LET GO of your attachements to your parents, even if they were abusive ; just let go "

"let go " means : make your peace with it "

and many , many seminars in psycho-genealogy and family constellations helped me understand and feel in my body the drama of the abusive parent, made me understand how the abuses were related to their own pain and frustrations of childhood, but did not grant me the "letting go " grace !

I was struggling trying to repair the relationship with my parents and trying to force myself to forgive them and love them

it never worked, because at times I could be really loving and "forgiving" , and at other times when I would think about what they had do to me as a child or when a family incident would trigger my anger and pain, I would totally hate them again

it was not a lack of love and compassion, since I think to have heart , it was just I couldn't, I had resistance to do in my own soul ;

finally I went to a different therapist that practices "VOICE DIALOGUE" (by Hal and Sidra STONE) and there I was able to release a lot of anger and pain from childhood, to realize the massacre of my soul and to start to get out the "KILLER " who is the one in me that can become very violent and agressive, either towards others or towards myself ;

of course, making it conscious is the goal, not killing someone !

this energy of pure violence as a result of all the abuses I had to endure , I had carried it in me for many years - I am 46 now- and was never able to express it , but it was making me very ill becaus it was suppresed ;

also, I had carried in me a part of my inner child that therapists call "THE VICTIM" and this time ...I was allowed to express that part of my person and was recognized for it, when in other therapies I was always told " you should stop considering yourself as a victim"

with the help of this therapy, and as I recently read your book , a great healing happened in me, for I felt heard and understood like never before, and I felt the RIGHT to NOT love my parents

I gave myself that authorisation

and somehow something very settle hapenned in me, that really restored a confidence and joy in my being, the joy of respecting myself and of being FREE of this "toxic link " to my abusive parents , who are always in denial of having hurting me ;

since then I have spoke to them on the phone and I felt no hard feeling for them, no love, no hate, just some peace and detachment, that's all

I am relieved of all this GUILT of nor being able to love and honor my parents as I thought I should

with your book you have given me an alternative betweem love and hate, thus coming out of a duality : now I just feel I don't ow them anyhting and that I am not responsible of their well-being

in consequence my body is a lot happier and healthier ; and I have a great desire today of expressing artistic talents in painting and music , which I did not allow myself before ; in this I follow your own path

also, since I am presently a trainer in communication, emotional intelligence, mediation and conflict resolution here in Francen, and plan to chngae subject - I no longer need to deal with conflict- , and move into career counseling , with interests me a great deal ;

this recent progress I have made in my own personal development will greatly serve my work with others ;

so thank you so much for your writings and your courage of saying what many people don't have the courage to say

may I encourage you in continue your reserach and writings sine they are so usefull for many ;

warm greetings from France

J.

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