To find the cause
Wednesday January 20, 2010
On day one of my sobriety I wandered The famed "Strand" bookstore on the East side of Manhattan. Among the proclaimed "18 miles," I wandered aimlessly, hoping what I needed would stick out to me.
Day one of sobriety meant day one of semi feeling feelings. In a sense, I hoped the books would distract me from them, which they did during the hour I spent there.
Being in tune with my energy, I asked to be drawn to the book I absolutely needed to read at this time. I scoured the psychology section for books with titles like, "I had a happy childhood but maybe the divorce really did affect me and I don't understand why" or "I don't remember my childhood and I am an addict now and love to self-destruct, how can I remember what happened to me," or "Why my dreams are so crazy and if they ever represent truth..."
Finally this book, "The Drama of the Gifted Child" stood out to me. It was 'gifted child' that got me because, through therapy, I've learned that this is the case for me.
I opened the book tonight and at about page 15, my jaw dropped. I think you must have been observing ME since I was a small child and that indeed this book is about MY life. How can it be so accurate? How can I actually relate to something so wholeheartedly? Other people feel this way too?!
I took a walk outside once halfway through the book and for the first time, attributed two 'feelings' going on inside of me to my childhood experiences. While staring up at the Empire State Building's luxurious glow, I thought to myself, maybe, just maybe I can begin to feel and through feeling, I can finally figure out who I am...and it won't mean the world implodes around me...
THANK YOU, J.
AM: Yes, you can begin to feel and through feeling you can find out who you are and who made you suffer. Good luck!