Alice Miller, child abuse and mistreatment

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Hitting to teach you a lesson
Wednesday December 02, 2009

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Love your work.

Parents who say, they are hitting you, or over doing their punishment, because they want to teach you, because they love you, as well as, so that you do not make the same mistakes that other children make who get into trouble, due to their parent's who neglect them, because they do not care, that is, they are under involved parents. It seems that one is letting the children run wild, while the other is over disciplining the children, in reality they both are the same. Both are under involved.



You let the children have freedom enough that they could deal with, one that slightly challenges them as well as you. Trust in the foundation you set with them while keeping the communication channels open and you assist them in processing and assimilating new experiences. Through such contained, yet growing freedom, you give your children and teenagers the tools and confidence to move forwards. Such children will not be abuse and or be abusers. I hit you to teach you not to let no man touch you, so that no man will beat on you. I once heard a woman who barely survived a brutal beaten by her ex-husband talk about how her father treated her as a child and teenager. Words cannot undo the violence the hand inflicted on the child. She found home again, father, again, in the man who abused her, first emotionally, then physically. This home almost killed her. Your adult home is something you grow into.





The way we are as a society, as a culture, as a people, so inpatient with children. Why is it that adults are so rude, so short with children, so self-righteous in their indignation towards children being children? Even if you go to a movie made especially for children, the children's hard laughter offense the adults so profoundly. Why are adults so hostile, so shaken by children's expression of genuine felt joy? Because most adults are the walking dead. The trouble with people is that they were killed emotionally as children, now as adults they are deaden. Children's joy, spontaneity and expression reminds them of what their emotionally stunted parents knocked out of them, killed, "for there own good. " And now as adults we love them for it, we are brainwashed to love our abusers.



Most people were misunderstood as children as a result they had to deal with their parents darkness, neglect, as well as (intentional and or unintentional) tormenting ways to some degree. Our parent's ways, their hostility, their darkness has become part of us, for better and for worse. Children need plenty of love, attention, kindness, understanding, patients and time, if they do not get it they blame them selves for their parent's lack of involvement; if we were a child in such of a situation we would think, "I hate my self, I am the worse person in the world, I will destroy my self." Many children think this way in different forms and variations. For most adults such experiences and thoughts are the brick and mortar as well as the structure of their character and personality; much good runs over this high way of self, of ego, much productivity and much, much to much suffering.







Many people have theories, ideas, about why children suffer, chemical imbalance, lack of discipline, willfulness, inconsolable, intentionally acts destructively, spoiled, a bad seed, and past life issues. The truth is that our humanity was stripped out of us to a greater or lesser extent as children. It is not survival of the fittest, but survival of who could endure the child abuse the best while appearing to be un-effected by it and praising, it, the abuse as well as the abuser as good in adulthood. The children are unhappy because they are protesting the inhumane way we treat them and each other. If we would learn from them instead of beating them, yelling at them, rushing them, trying to have them meet our own needs and live out our own dreams, perhaps we would mature to our own human dignity, AC


AM: Yes, "we are brainwashed to love our abusers", as you say. And most people don't realize this. But the ones who do have a chance to overcome this brainwashing, to open their eyes and to refuse being mislead. Thank you for your thoughtful letter.

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