Alice Miller, child abuse and mistreatment

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How do we chose a partner?
Friday October 16, 2009






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Dear Mrs Miller,

I have read 3 of your books, the first was the Drama of the Gifted Child, The Body Never Lies and now I am finishing The Truth Will Set You Free. Your books rocked my world because I chose to understand my poor mother who was raising children in Canada having herself grown up in difficult times in Greece during the 30's, 40's and 50's did not know any better, because she herself was also abused by her parents too.

I am a 55 year old school teacher, who was violently beaten by my mother as far back as I can remember for no reason other than she used to say I would not listen to what she asked me to do or thought I misbehaved. However, my teachers loved me and thought I was a very intelligent and kind individual. I used to go to my History Teacher's house to baby sit her children Saturday nights and clean her kitchen spotless, and she used to say how could a 15 year old have so much knowledge of cleaning. Of course I loved to keep my area and house clean and tidy. I believe that my teachers became my enlightened witness and this was one of the reasons I became a teacher. But my father, who never hit me but did try to protect me at one time - he did come to my rescue but my mother turned to him with the electrical extension cord in her raised hand and a hissing voice and eyes emitting rage, also wanted me to become a teacher.

I am kind and loving towards my children and students, because I made a conscious decision never to hit my children but unfortunately I married a man who was (because we are separated now) violent with my children. The psychologist he sees used to tell me not to interfere when he had an altercation with one of my children especially my son for a minor thing that would soon escalate into greater and greater dimensions. Of course I never listened to her and as a result she became his sole confidant and I became the bad wife, she told him that I was more a mother than a wife and then as a consequence we separated.

My question is since I became conscious not to beat my children how did I choose a husband that would?


Thank you very much, J



AM: Probably you were pushed to marry a partner who reminds you of how your mother behaved toward you when you were a child. Then you were unable to see in details what you can see today with your hasband. This gives you an opportunity to become more free from your past.

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