We repeat when we refuse to believe.
Wednesday June 17, 2009
We shouldn't be loocking for someone to fullfill us, for what are we missing? What has been denied us that we need from somebody else?
I have a terrible life. After years and years, we finaly managed to get our father out of the house. For years and years, our mother would say «I won't take it anymore» or «what is your problem? He's not hitting you so stop complaining» or «but he's your father, don't hate him». She is driving me insane!!! I don't even want to talk about her! It's like trying to explain her 2+2=4. I feel so stupid trying to explain a 46 year old woman that 2+2=4! She is the one who should feel stupid! I feel so much ANGER when I think about the fact that I was the one who always had to FORCE her to make desicions! I was 12 and told her to call the police, to find a way out. I wrecked my brains trying to find a solution and all she did was suddenly feel weak or tired.
He hits me
«Next time I will call the police»
He hits her
«Next time I will run away»
He hits my brother, my sisters
«Next time, next time, nextime i will do something»
Untill a year ago she gave me false hope and destroyed my world again by getting «weak» and not doing anything in the end. Always, always, I belived her, every single time! I WANTED to belive, I had nothing else to hold on to but hope.
She never was my mother, I was HER support who she could lean on, when she wanted to hear «no, it's not you fault! You don't deserve this»
She tells me that she has always been there for me and my siblings when we were small, but how come I don't remeber her so much then!! I can only remember one insident where I was happy with her. I was 7 or 8, we sat in the kitchen with her and my two younger sisters. She fed us even though we were able to eat on our own. The food tasted so much better when she gave it to us. But even then, I can't remember her face. If she always was there, how come I can't remeber her face?? No smiles, no attention, no love, no caring, no affection. Is it because I was «just a cild» and «children don't remeber»? Then how come I can remeber my school teacher i had in first grade? She was my teacher for only one school year, still to this day I remeber her cheery face and her smile, because she was LOOKING at ME. My mother on the other hand was like a robot, programed to act like a mother, worked, made food, cleaned the house. But she didn't do anything FOR me, to make me happy, she just «worked».
I remeber the day I turned 7. We were at my aunt's house. The grown-ups were sitting in the livingroom and just to brag, my father gave me 20 Dm and to seem extra nice he gave my little sister 10 dm. The very next morning my cousin took us to the nearest bakery and candystore. Me and my sister used half of our money on candy, I didn't have any thought of «waisting» money, I thought I could do wahtever I wanted with it, but as soon as we were back at my aunts house, mother scared the life out of me. She was calm, but deeply dissapointed that I had waisted the money, that she had intended to buy me a dress and a doll with it, and I was so stupid to waist it on candy. «You will be dead when your father finds out». And then she went back on talking with my aunt again. I was scared, felt bad, terryfied and unsure! I went to the nearest bedroom and cried so hard, I had never in my life cried so hard. I was terrified by the thought of my father punishing me, I felt so alone, because my mother could hear my cry but she didn't come to comfort me. She only sayd «did you finaly stop crying?» When I came out of the bedroom. «What's done is done, just forget about it now.» She had already forgotten, while I was planning my funeral. She couldn't se my pain, she only saw a noisy child crying. My stomach hurts when I think of how deeply sad I was and how little (not at all!!) my mother cared.
My father is unpredictable, he would hit us for every kind of reason, but I had to think «I did something bad». I couln't explain it any other way. But I soon learned to hate him, to not see his punishments as «fair», my mother on the other hand was holy to me untill last year.
The worst fight ever occured at home, and I finaly convinced her to run away to a Women's Shelter. Even THEN she refused to take ANY responsibility. I finaly understood, she will never change and I don't CARE what kind of reasons she has! I'm tired, TIRED of trying to understand, trying to explain to my self, trying to forgive, forget, taking responsibility for a grown whoman! I've had enough!! We went back home, everything back to «normal». That idiont of a father occupying the livingroom, making me sick everytime I saw his stupid face, I feel so much rage just thinking about it! The some moths later he snapped again, at my sister and this time it was she (my 17!! year old sister) called the police. We finaly got him out of the house and I don't want to start on my mothers «sudden weakness» again.
Untill that day the hate toward my father had kept me and my 3 sibblings togehter. Now we turned on each other. I couldn't believe what I saw. We were acting like our parents towards each other. We have always done it, but I never saw it this clear, because I was to buissy hating mu father.
When we fight we do everything to «destroy» the other person, not with physical actions, but by saying hurtfull things, mocking, press the weakest buttons. We understood that hitting is bad, but we didn't understand that words can hurt just as much.
I am the most sensitive one, so from early on i've tried to escape this pattern, but my sibblings won't alowe me. If I show that I'm hurt of their words or even dare to cry, the do feel sorry for a second, but as soon as I stop crying they will use my cring against me. Laughing at me «your sos stupid! A 20-year old crybaby!»
I can't open up at home, I hate it, I hate the fights, I hate the scraming, the arguing. I just want to cry, but even when I'm by my self I don't dare to cry out lout out of fear that someone will hear me. I had no goal in life, no passion for anything. Untill now I was just keeping my self buissy whith whatever to not think about that I realy don't have a life.
May 08 I met a guy. I had never dated or been in a relationship and I fell in love pretty quickly. He had the qualyties I was loocking for; Calm, didn't drink lcohol, didn't smoke nor party. I just wanted to escape the reality at home, so romance was the perfect thing I thought. But soon I realised that he was the opposite of what I wanted. I wanted I guy who is lovable, smart, deep and shows affection. I wanted the opposite of my parents, but insted that was EXACTLY what I got!
He didn't show emotions, was cold, not deep at all and I had to FORCE him to everything. Once again I had to take the whole responsibility, to force him towards the right direction, and he went along, because he was raised to sacrifice himself for his parents and I'm sure he saw his demanding parents in me, but the difference for me was that I wanted him to love me out of free will, not because I forced him to. I had such a terrible time, but it still was better then the hell at hom. But last month his parents found him a girl from his home country. They wanted him to marry her, and it didn't take long to fore him to say yes. Last moth was the wedding.. He send me a text message and said it's over, he wanted to leave it at that! I met him that day and cried my heart out. And while I was crying I remebered this the pain. I cried for affection, I cried for the person I loved to come comfport me, save me, but no matter how hard I cried, how loud I screamded, he didn't come.. Now he's married, he doesn't love her, only saw her once 4 years ago and now she's living with him and his parents fullfilling the reason she was brought here; To be a housmaid and giving her parents in law grandchildren. He says he loves me, but I couldn't go against his parents. Thats the same things my parents say. My mother says she wants us to have a better life, but still she doesn't do anything. My father said we are the world to him, he lives for us, while he used us as his personal maids, beat us whenever he felt like it and held us in terror.
In the end I tried to find someone who resembles my parents, so that I can change him to show me the love I was longing for. I couldn't belive that someone could just give me love, I had to MAKE someone love me to be sure that it was real.
My boyfriend was a drug, that made me feel good for a short time, all I could think about was hte next time we would meet. I counted the hours at work, the minutes before our dates, the days on my calendar.. I lived this way for a year untill last month.. I was realy willing to sacrifice myself for him, I was ready to spend the rest of my life with him even if it meant to struggle ofrever, because that was the only thing i knew. I build my life around him, but suddenly everything broke down. I'm glad it's over, I would have had a terrible life if we were still together, but I wish I could have left him out of my own will.. It came so sudden, now I feel lost even though everyone tells me «you still got you life ahead of you, your only 20 years old!»
I don't have a goal in life anymore.. I try to fullfill myself instead of looking for fullfillment in somebody else, but it's so difficult when I have nobody who can understand me. I want to look for a therapist, but everytime I think that suddely i get «weak» just like my mother! Trying to avoid it, fiding some excuses for not looking up a therapist. How come I'm still so scared of confroning myself?
I'm trying, I'm realy trying to find a way, to find a reason to live again, I'm so depressed, nothing makes sence anymore. I want to find the strength...
I want to thank you for you books, they have helped me to realize what I know now, and I hope I will learn more.. I hope to find a helping witness and that I will get strong enough to leave the people who only hurt me..
AM: You are writing: "I hope to find a helping witness and that I will get strong enough to leave the people who only hurt me". This sentence shows that you understand what you are doing and THUS are able to change. This happens seldom in your age so I hope too that you will succeed. It takes time to SEE and to BELIEVE that your parents were dangerous indeed. But it is exactly this insight that will make you free for chosing a right partner who deserves you and not falling in love with a cold, dishonest and stupid guy. Only in childhood you were forbidden to SEE, you were forced to stay blind. Now, as an intelligent woman you can use your feelings and your mind to make your judgement. If you are looking for a therapist open the page "Articles" and read the first two messages.