Saturday November 01, 2008
I would really like to thank you for your books (not prisoners of childhood, it was just so complicated).
I first read, "Thou shall not be aware", when I was twenty years old. Just like my childhood.
I have had some luck, when searching for help. The first therapist knew about the old pain and had no problems receiving it.
She was a very soft and kind person. The problems started later. The first therapy was paid by the government and I was only allowed half a year.
When I had my first income, on a regular basis, I started to look for a therapy I could fund on my own.
If I had not meet the first therapist and read your books, I would have been re-traumatised.
I think I have been to at least 8 persons, one more in denial then the other.
They said things like:
-Then he gave you a beating
(well, to give is something positive, is it not?, a beating is neglectful words)
-You must understand that your parents where incapable
(True as it is. I did NOT feel that way as a child. And those feeling are the important ones.)
-You are sick and it has nothing to do with your childhood
(This needs no comments. I would be dead if I would believe such nonsense.)
-Dont sit here and talk about your childhood all the time.
(This therapist was really angry when he said this. Well, Truths make you have to revaluate things, does it not?.)
-If you only believe (in god). It will work out fine
(I really dont know what god has to do with anything)
And so on.
I have tried to follow your advice to just leave, but I had problems with this. The little child I once was reacted.
Nowadays I dont feel any difficulties aborting/rejecting these kinds of people.
I just started to do the opposite, leaving when I wanted to stay. It all was about my mother and her suicide attempts.
She locked herself in the bathroom and me standing outside crying and hitting the door (I was four).
The feeling was that I was about to die if she disappeared and I would to. I was almost going out of my mind when I remembered this and I cried for hours (alone in my home).
Then it just stopped. I was exhausted. But, I then felt no regrets and no need to continue that therapy.
And that resource has stayed. I can now go in and out of those relationships as I please. And that is a relief.
I am capable of making choices on what suits me the best.
I just wanted to tell you that your books where helpful to me.
I did not know that you where still alive.
The least I can do, while you are still around, it is to thank you.
So, thank you so much, J.B.
AM: Thank you for your letter, it will be helpful to others. Congratulations!