a terrible tragedy
Tuesday August 26, 2008
Dear Alice Miller I am looking for an honest answer, which I know are the only answers you give. My son, 21 years old, committed suicide. My M has NPD. I tried with everything in me,not to repeat my M's legacy.I did not, to the best of my ability to see honestly. My sons(two) could be honest and open with me. . We had a warm relationship.We spent much time together because I stayed home. We spent time talking and were bonded with each other ,deeply. I treated them with great respect from the time they were born, to the best of my ability. If they were angry or any other feeling, they could come to me and talk about it. My H was abusive. I denied the severity of it because I did not have the strength to leave .The son who killed himself told me that he was afraid that he would have to beat up his father if his father hurt me.I know ,now , that I was so wrong for staying. I should have gotten out when the children were young,but I did not have the strength. Of course, if I knew what would have happened, I would have left. A year before he killed himself, my son started modeling himself after my H by trying to become a doctor ,as my H was. My son was doing well in school and kept telling people he wanted to be just like his father. Down deep, he was very angry at his father,but kept losing sight of this more and more. I tried to help him see that he could be angry at his father,but he started getting angry at me for bringing it up, He came home from school, got his fathers gun and killed homself on the day after his father's birthday. He killed himself at his school. I know you may give me an answer that I don't like,but I am writng because I can accept truth, even if I am more at fault than I currently know. You can publish my letter. Emily
AM: It is a terrible tragedy, and I would like to give you some consolation in your pain but don't know how to find it. I can only tell you that you are not alone with such a situation: The more children have been abused and learned not to feel, not to have empathy with themselves, the more they identify with the abuser (see Google: Stockholm Syndrom) and deny what happened to them. But as they DON''T DARE , in their enormous fear, to feel the rage toward the perpetrator and can't destroy this rage however, they direct it toward somebody else who is less scaring for them (maybe like you were for your sons). If you CAN feel, if you were not brought up in your childhood to suppress and deny your most strong emotions you may find somebody to talk to them about what happened to you and to feel your grief. You shouldn't stay mute and alone with it.