When hope is lost
Thursday August 14, 2008
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Dear Alice, I have just finished reading your books for the second time, after I was diagnosed with another illness. I thought I had worked a lot on my history, my feelings, my past and indeed things were getting better until I had another cold shower after a routine checkup. I started repeating things like "it must be my fault", "if I am never able to stay away from doctors and diseases, it must be my fault". I was extremely weak, could no longer take care of myself and decided to come and live with my parents for a short while. At the beginning I felt reassured, but now I feel I am in a prison. They are genuinely trying to help and understand, but I constantly feel misunderstood and threatened. I mistrust them, and I seem to mistrust the whole world. I only see dangers around me and a horrible future ahead. I have not been able so far to create a family of my own, and perhaps I will never do, I am extremely lonely and sometimes I think this is what causes my illnesses: my unhappiness and inability to enjoy things in life. There was a wall between me and my parents for many years. As I kid I hated them and could not get close to them not even for a hug. I was so closed, distant and rebel with them. I am also extremely sensitive, too much, everything can make me fall apart. I find it difficult to put together the energy to start all over again. I have crises during the day and the night. I have done so much these years to make myself independent and strong, I studied, worked, but now it is all collapsing and I do not know where to re-start from. It seems to me that if the body gives more serious signals, it was not satisfied with the way I dealt with my past so far. But I honestly do not know what else I need to uncover. And I am also worried that, being now so weak, I will not have the energy to fight one more time. My question is: if I cannot find on my own a path that can lead to the roots of my pain, which kind of therapy can awaken these feelings? I was thinking of trying a session of family constellation. What's your opinion on this type of therapy? In addition, is there anything I can do to restore the hope I lost? I know there is no general solution, but I struggle to go through the day and, even if the doctors are taking good care of me, I do very little to face my situation with a bit more of optimism. I look at my future with horror and cannot imagine how it can get any better. Thank you so much for your answers, your care and your listening. J
Norman: You write about your parents: "As I kid I hated them and could not get close to them not even for a hug. I was so closed, distant and rebel with them." -- You must have had very good reasons for hating your parents, but as a child you could not understand that and thought this was your fault. Now as an adult, you feel imprisoned, misunderstood and threatened by them, but you only BLAME YOURSELF, as if you were still a little child. All you see is a horrible future, because you keep protecting your parents and say NOTHING about your obviously horrible PAST.