The unsolved problem
Friday July 11, 2008
Dear Alice Miller.
Thank you for this "service" on your website. I have a question for you.
I have read most of your books and they have been very helpful to me.
The narsisistic damaged child has not developed her true self but learned to deal with the mother's(or the caretaker's)needs and feelings in stead of her own true feelings and needs, and then finds herself unable to live her own life as a grown-up.
But my question is: What is your opinion on what this child could do to become a truly grown-up person? Is it enough to FEEL the pain and rage as you teach in your newest books, or is it not possible to "grow up" without experiencing this individuation/separation process in a "new version" of the old conflict, that is in relationship to SOMEBODY( ex. a therapist)?
Best wishes, B. H.
AM: I am not sure if I understand your question. Could you please explain with the help of an example what exactly you have in mind? To resolve one's problem with scapegoats (even in the transference with the therapist) does not liberate us from the fear and rage our body has accumulated since we were (maybe) very small children. If we don't make the connection with the emotions of our very early experiences, we will continue to look again and again for new objects of our transference, but our body will pay the price of our UNRESOLVED FEAR, or our children will have to pay it, or both.