Alice Miller, child abuse and mistreatment

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How can I help myself?
Tuesday June 03, 2008

Dear Alice Miller,

I've been reading your "The body never lies" and my body has been reacting very intensly.
It all comes back to me.
My mother addicted to alcohol hated me from the very beginning.
She never touched me.
She took no interest in my person.
She gave me no attension.
She was happy to see me suffering.
She enjoyed criticizing me.
There was no communication between us at all.
I wanted it desperately.
I needed it desperately.
I was a nuisance for her.
Waste of time.
Waste of space.
I took up a space in her belly.
I wasn't supposed to be there.
If she could she would dispose of me immediately.
But she couldn't.
So she gave birth to me.
My father full of aggression.
Organically unable to give love.
Only able to give orders and demand obedience.
As a child I was filled with fear and aggression.
The substance came from my parents and their poor humanity.
They were unable to give me anything else.
So I absorbed it.
They were my parents.
They think they did their best.
They don't think they failed as parents.
Everything is all right for them.
Ever since I remember I've been struggling.
Sadness of unknown origin.
Lack of sense of purpose.
Void.
Depression.
Suicidal thoughts.
Poor self-image.
Lack of confidence.
And above all lack of love.
I can't get rid of fear.
It seems to me that I'm made up of it.
This is the very prime and basic response of my body to any kind of situation.
Then comes aggression and negative emotions.
I'm 30.
I'm scared at a thought that I could have a baby.
Moments of happiness are very rare.
Moments of emotional steadiness are rare too.
How can I help myself?
Is there any way I could do it?

a

AM: You ARE already helping yourself by acknowledging honestly your truth. This is the first unavoidable step, and it is always painful. The body will guide you to making the next steps, you will become angry and, step by step, you will be able to reclaim YOUR life and to live it.

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