Saturday October 20, 2007
Dear Mrs Miller and Barbara,
Once again I had a look at Barbara s website www.screamsfromchildhood, where I read the very consoling article about the little boy in the movie "Spring, summer, fall, winter..... and spring".
This time I should like to say "Thank you" to Barbara for your compassionate efforts in your writings to bring light in my/our darkness.
I looked for a direct link to your website from this Alice-Miller website and I was amazed not to find such a direct link. Only after going to www.voicesfromchildhood in which non -sent letters to parents are published, the link to your website comes up. I think your website fully deserves a direct link because also the information on your website is a serious help in our struggle to side with the little child in ourselves.
In your article about the movie I feel you are describing my history as a child betrayed of his freedom. A child "tied down" to a master "where his blossoming life opportunities were taken away".
At the same time you point at the history of the masters "that have been removed from their own feelings and needs as children. So they could not be open to the feelings and suffering of a child living by their side".
This brings me to your article titled "On my Side" as published here on the Alice-Miller website.
I understand, feel and agree with what you say in here: That I was forced to understand and accept that I was not worth to be treated with compassion and respect. And that the less I try to understand my parents who hurt or did hurt me, the freeer, happier and more unburdened my life will be. But I have difficulties in getting rid of my compassion and letting serious rage be there because at the same time I am blaming them I tend to tell myself that they can not help it because "they have also been removed from their feelings and needs as children, so they could not be open.............etc".
I guess that you will be not amazed - because in my heart I know myself it is an ecxcuse and that behind my confusion and hesitation to become emotionally honest, there is only the big fear of losing my Illusive mother - that I often think that it would be more easy to exclude my 84 year old mother from my life when I had experiences of serious physical or sexual abuse. I "only" suffered emotional abse by her. But at the same time from her side there was and still is perfect material nursing and caring. Those two conflicting attitudes of her are so confusing to me and hinder and block me in emotionally accepting my truth and fully siding with myself. Untill now I described my feelings as pain, but now I realise that I also should cry out: "I am so afraid!'.
kind regards. W.
AM: Why are you so afraid and blocked in your authentic feelings towards a person who was caring and nursing? Should a person like that be unable to understand your feelings or at least accept them? But even if she could understand this TODAY, it will not spare you the work you want to do because the fear you feel is the fear of a small child who had to learn NOT TO FEEL, NOT TO MAKE PROBLEMS and to care for his mother. Why can't YOU understand the plight of this child?