Alice Miller, child abuse and mistreatment

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An incredible pain
Wednesday August 15, 2007

Dear Alice,
Your unexpected reply to my email has yet again made me aware of another important aspect of my life (and of everybody's life in reality). What I'm talking about is the natural detachment of a child from his parents. This "natural" phenomenon happens indeed in a natural way in the world of "animals". For apparently hidden reasons it doesn't happen in the world of human beings. This is not the place for me to write an essay about social control techniques and the paramount importance of the -distorted- concept of family in those techniques. But what I'd like to share with everybody is the fact that a "family" should not produce dependence. It should do exactly the contrary. Yes, you are totally true when you say that I will be able to survive and live my life without my parents' "love". And I do thank you for it. Now more than ever I am aware of that. And thanks to your words too. I read the email that 24 years old guy from NY sent to you recently. I can relate to it very much especially if I think about my situation until a few years ago. Not any more. I believe I've now made a huge step ahead and wish that guy to make it soon. I have finally realised that most parents reiterate some misbehaviours because THEY HAVE BEEN MISTREATED THEMSELVES, THEY HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO DETACH THEMSELVES FROM THEIR PARENTS, THEY FEEL DEPENDENT AND THEY NEED TO ENFORCE THIS MORBID DEPENDENCE IN THEIR CHILDREN IN ORDER TO FEEL LOVED TOO. Obviously these are my humble opinions. Unfortunately I strongly believe that it is not anybody's task to enforce this distorted dependence which ultimately damages parents and their breed. This social misbehaviour is in my opinion the most un-natural one. I have made the decision to stop it in my existence. I will always remember a sentence from an artist I have admired a lot: "I can't change the world but I can change the world in me".
Thanks again for your incredible work and humanity.

M.

AM: Thank you for your thoughtful letter. It reminded me of another one written here in German and saying: I prefer to be healthy without parents than to be sick with them. (The famous French writer Marcel Proust, who died very early, wrote to his mother: I prefer to have my illness and be loved by you than to be in good shape but loose your love). You are so right when you write that animals don't need to exploit their children or their lives; they let them go and give them their liberty. It is only the human being that burdens the children with feelings of guilt for their whole lives. I congratulate you to your insight and hope it will help you to resist every kind of blackmail.

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