A horrific memory came up last night!
Thursday July 19, 2007
Hello Alice. Thanks for all your gut wrenching truths that help us all to heal and look inward for our true reaction to things that was stifled way back when. I heard a little girl crying on the Max train yesterday and she wouldn't stop. I have heard children crying before when I worked in a grocery store and each time I hear one I have to escape. I have to get away. I feel like the child is being hurt and no one cares if the child keeps on crying. I can tolerate 1 minute of a child or infants crying. I have gotten off all my medication that doctors have given me for years to "keep a lid" on my anger! Getting off of all this crap and facing the incest that was between me and my father has been very freeing yet difficult. Mainly because I feel just as alone as I did as a child with my pain. VERY FEW PEOPLE can handle my pain. I have a very sincere counselor who can because she has had to go through it, but she is only once a week and my pain has no time limits on it like that. Any ways yesterday I could hardly breathe, allergies have surfaced that I have never had before, I have been sneezing and not sleeping AT ALL. When I heard and saw this little girl keep crying, I ran off the Max train and just started walking to get away from the discomfort. Later last evening it hit me that someone smothered me with a pillow when I was little and was crying. They put a pillow over my face and told me if I didn't shut up they would kill me. I couldn't believe it myself yet sharing with someone I know now how true this memory is and it explains so much of my problems in life with staying anywhere where I feel trapped....like jobs, or being with overly critical people who try to suppress my feelings/opinions, and I isolate something terrible to not feel suffocated by other people. I cried deep sobs today remembering how little and powerless I was to get away from this stronger person suffocating me. I beat the bed with my mop and fell into a deep sobbing mess just like a little baby with uncontrolled sobs. I feel much better now yet know I am just unveiling the suffocation process I have experienced my whole life over being able to respond to pain with tears. I have been literally frozen to death emotionally and am finally thawing out a memory at a time. I no longer need drugs, or alcohol, or lots of men and danger, or much food and suger to keep that little girl quiet. She can be heard now by me and I can let a selective few in to console her hurting heart. I also play a great piano and have been told in many places to "keep it down." I have always felt outraged at being told that musically and now I know why. I think I will join a rock band today and leave the quiet little background music to others. Ha! I love you Alice Miller and thank you for your bravery in telling us all how it is!
AM: You don't need medication, it was harmful. Now you can FEEL what happened to you, you got this important memory that makes you aware of your story. It is amazing, but effective therapy works exactly this way: feeling your extreme weakness makes you strong. And suddenly you want to join a rock group. YES, why not? Without any doubt it is right if it brings you fun EVENTUALLY.