A bunch of angry letters
Monday June 04, 2007
Thank you so much for your answer. Means a lot to me. Today is Mother's day and yes it means so so much to receive your support.
I wrote a letter this morning to one of my abuser, one with whom I have still been composing to a degree because he is the father of my children and essentially because I am still scared of him. I drafted it; was a big relief to say how angry I am. I did not know yet wether to sent it or not, again for fear of triggering his rage and more troubles. And then I come back home and this draft is lost on my computer. Can't find it!
Anyway I get what you are saying. And recognize that I am so much in the habit of understanding how people get abusive (seeing often the hurt child in them) and therefore still excuse them to some degree. It got to stop. My life is at stake and the murder of myself sometimes comes up so strong that I am about to act it out myself. I am scared this murderous wave against myself will come back. But I am going to write a bunch of angry letters; don't know if I should send them or not; always afraid of revenge and rage of the abusive people. Should I send them and tell all the people who abused and exploited me what I think? Am I so stupid to think that it is better not to rub abusers the wrong way? is it suicidal to rub them the wrong way? or should I brave the danger finally and show them that I don't fear them. I am 55 and it is sort of pathetic to be in this dilemna still. Yet I sense there is a key there. Just don't want to act foolish and bring on more troubles onto myself and my children.
I 'd appreciate advise on that. What should be the limits of my rage; am I supposed to feel it but hide it? or feel it and say it aloud?
Thank you so much for your work and sharing your understanding, your support.
Happy Mother's Day!
AM: Congratulations, you got it! Write, write, write your "bunch of angry letters," as much as you need and want to. Read them several days later and THEN decide whether you will send them or not. Writing and feeling your rage will lessen your fear; they will give you the strength and the wisdom that you need for this decision, because then you will only want to express yourself but not to make new troubles for yourself. And the FELT and UNDERSTOOD anger doesn't stay forever. Read "The Love-Letter to my Anger" by Barbara Rogers on her website (http://www.screamsfromchildhood.com).