Nearly swept away
Saturday May 26, 2007
Ich spreche ein bischen Deutche, aber ser mude.
This is my token gesture of my deep desire to communicate my gratitude and hope it brings a smile to your face. I'm not even certain how well I've written the above. I regret not being to able to express my gratitude directly in your language. Fortunately for us there are those who will interpret kindly for me.
I've just finished 'Drama of the gifted child' and am still a bit stunned. It will take time to redirect the use of my memories such that I can transform myself from victim to victor. I can accept that I am steeped (like a tea bag) in pain and anger and that it easily explains my physical illnesses, chronic insomnia and depression. But now I can take responsibility and do something loving for my child-self. It is an insidious dichotomy of 'knowing' passion but feeling empty due suppressing "inappropriate rage" for longer than I can remember. My own mind revealed to me that, the admonition "afraid to fail" was really "afraid to feel".
I have become aware of deep feelings that I fear are too powerful to experience. I am willing to risk the possibility of being wrong about that, in order to be free for once in my life. I was astounded to realize how I have justified the last leather belt whipping I endured as something I deserved. I remember the facts of the event but have yet to "touch" the feelings suppressed from it. I am already realizing the intense struggle of being honest with myself and making excuses for my parents. My choices are clear: responsibility and accountability or blame and guilt. I choose the former.
Thank you, G.
AM: Thank you so much for your letter. I am happy that the Drama already helped you to touch your feelings. Then my most recent books will help you to stay with your decision to love the mistreated child you once were and not to blame yourself for what others have done. Your body will no longer need to make you aware of your truth by producing insomnia and depression as soon as you are ready to SEE what has happened. Congratulations!