Alice Miller, child abuse and mistreatment

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Dear Alice Miller
Friday May 04, 2007

Dear Alice Miller

I have written to you before in December.
Many things have change. I am total fan of you, and your books have opened my eyes. I have read all your books except The body never lies, and I am reading The truth will set you free right now. I often visit your website and read the letter January 23 2007 – It would be interesting to know.

"AM: It is rather unusual that a person of your age is ready to confront herself with the tragic story of her childhood. . ."

The person is 25, and I am 19. My first thought. It can’t be true. I do not want to wait 6 years. I have already lost 18 years living on a “lie”. I want it to stop right now. I want to feel and know.

It has not been easy, and often catches myself ignoring my own feelings. It has been a huge step to just to listen to my inner child a little bit. It has cost me many restless hours, and I have been reading some of your books several times and lot of other psychology books. I still try to find out what to do with this new awareness. I have never tried to have my own feelings and thoughts. What to do, think and say, and still I ignore myself.
For examples my teacher wanted me to take the examination in social studies. I will like to mention I don’t need this examination, and said,” I don’t want to take the examination”. Lise, one of my classmates, said no to take the examination, and he just said it was fine with him. I thought, I could also say no, but he wouldn’t let me go. Finally, I said yes, just to get some peace. This very moment I realised, I have done it again. I have all my life done what people wanted me to do. My parents, my friends and adults. I have no independent, and people don’t respect a no from me.
My relationship to my parents is different now. They don’t have same power over me as they used to have. They can’t blame me that their marriage is bad. It can’t impossible be my fault they don’t understand each other, but sometimes I still blame myself for everything. And what to do when I hear people tell me a “lie”. For examples one lesson my psychology teacher would like to tell something about upbringing. I asked what she thought about upbringing. She thought upbringing was okay and necessary, and I told her I think (I still do) there is nothing good about upbringing. Her argument was that children become unruly without upbringing. I didn’t want to argue, so I kept silent.

These and many others episodes in everyday life are frustrating, but thank to you and my psychologist I believe at least I am on the right path. You have been my guide in “dark”. I just want to say thank you, even though it can not express my gratitude.

Best wishes
R.H.H

AM: You ARE on the right path. You need time. The courage to say NO will come with more knowledge. Most people have neither your courage nor your knowledge. They think what they were made to think when they were small: that children have to obey, that by spanking them you can teach them to become a nice person, that children need "limits" etc. You have already made a big step if you can see through all these lies.

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