Learning to Sink Your Feet into Life!
Saturday April 07, 2007
Hello There Alice;
This is my second letter to you and it just keeps getting deeper and deeper, I wasn't aware of the patterns that I have created in my body for the sake of protection. Also I didn't realize that you have to let yourself really feel the truth of yourself--not just see intellectually but be brave enough to venture into the source of your pain and almost like live it as it is stored in your body.
I used to have these dreams of sleeping in the bed with snakes all around me when I was very young and now the dream has come back along with a dream that I was loosing all of my teeth, they all where falling out or they where so loose that with the slightest of pressure from eating something they would come falling out into my hands. Also I never had dreams of my mother or I don't remember having them. But I have very vivid ones every now and then.
My mother abandoned me at my great great grandmas house when I was about 4 or 5 and that when the beating started, with spatula, switched, belts, I think it was whatever she could find. So vividly I remember standing there, and she was beating me; I wouldn't cry anymore, so she would beat me harder so that I would cry, or me rushing to go to bed so I wouldn't get the beating--so she would wait until I was completely asleep--come into the room pull the covers off of me and start to whaling. Then I would come from school crying because the children there was teasing me because I was a little chubby (mr. potato head--they would call me) and my older bother would say what are you crying for and then he would beat me. And then go to school and the teachers would beat me with theses paddles with holes in them or these long hard sticks.
Who are these people that they think that they can treat another human like that. If it wasn't for my oldest brother coming down to Virginia from New York to see me and spend some quality time with me I would be in jail now or on death row or dead (your book The Truth Will Set You Free helped me to see this). The rage is so strong, and I thought that I was just quick tempered and protective of those closes to me.
I get these trimmers in my legs now, and I can see that they are from being beaten on the legs all the time.
Now I know why I have chosen to live so far from my parents or my mother (never knew my father), bothers and sisters. Because I didn't like the way I have been treated. I tried to confront my mother a long time ago and the first thing she said was: (that was a long time ago). And also a person that I look up to told me that I should not be upset with her because I don't know what she was going through at the time and I should be more understanding.
Alice I think that I could see my self through to the end without a therapist, and I have found a witness that knows and feels what I am going through with this journey.
So much has happened since I started reading your books, the ones that see to help me with the journey. I created a totally different world for the outside to see me as, completely different than the true reality of my history. I just became this very big LIAR--about everything, Alice--I just didn't couldn't face being rejected from a single human, so I created so much falsehood, so much, Alice--I thought it was what I needed to get the Love I deserve. Since I have allowed myself to see this and the pain that comes along with it, the moment I lie to someone my body immediately goes into a kind of panic sensation to let me know that it is not a good thing that you are about to do. This made a true believer out of me, that my body can inform me with this kind of messages to keep me in line. AND IT'S ALL BECAUSE YOU TOOK THE TIME TO PUT YOUR NOTES IN BOOK FORM FOR US TO READ!
THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU; W.
AM: YOU REALLY GOT IT! You write: "Since I have allowed myself to see this and the pain that comes along with it, the moment I lie to some one, my body immediately goes into a kind of panic sensation to let me know that it is not a good thing that you are about to do. This made a true believer out of me, that my body can inform me with this kind of messages to keep me in line."
You could say as well that your body is your most reliable therapist and yes, you are certainly right. Congratulations!