My own rage scares me
Tuesday April 03, 2007
Alice, I have had more disrespect from men in 12 step groups than any other organization I have been in. I have attented AA, ACOA, Codependent groups, and my latest Sex Addicts groups, where mostly men are there. I have opened up deeply about my issues and just when I am hurting the MOST, some guy in a codependent meeting asked me to the movies, then when it was time to go he said I laughed to loud and he wouldn't sit next to me. I did tell him to go without me but bent over backwards to make him comfortalbe with being "honest" with me. Then a man in my SAA group saw me turned to hold hands for the Lords prayer and he called me twisted. I called him and nicely said if you can't say something supportive to me, don't say anything. Have a good day. Then it all hit at once how angry I really was at all this crap. I let it out in a meeting with many swear words and then ran to the bathroom to calm down in a Codependents meeting (where that man was who pulled the unasked for personality analysis on me.) While in the bathroom crying my guts out at how I can't show any anger when disrespected for fear of being killed, another man started judging me about exploding and then going into the bathroom and how the whole problem was with me being judgmental.....I heard him....and that did it, I ran out into that group and blew. I couldn't stop saying F...you over and over and over then I was asked to leave then I kicked my open soda into the group, which could have really hurt someone, then I had another soda in my hands and threw that one at a wall as hard as I could. I went crazy Alice. Then the self hate when I left was begging God to take me home over and over. I told God I was a defected machine and never wanted in the first place and to please take me home. Then I thought of electricuting myself in the bathtub filled with horror how I had gotten so out of control and abusive to the whole group. I just want people to know how dangerous it is in these 12 step groups to be open and working on your feelings and issues. My counselor's office is the only safe place I know to do this. But Alice I know you don't approve of my abusive rage and I don't either. How do we get through these blind reactions when disrespected? When I told a crisis phone counselor I am just going to stay away from 12 step meetings, she said that was avoiding the problem.I can't take it anymore how mostly men get away with hurting women who are already hurting. I am all for speaking against 12 step groups because of the predatory influenes in each one of them. MC
AM: It is not by kicking soda bottles that you can liberate yourself from your rage but by FEELING and SAYING what hurts you and by understanding how you were hurt in the same way by your PARENTS: humiliated, tortured as a small defenseless child. You must admit that you have been carrying this rage your whole life and now you are strong enough to defend yourself WITH WORDS. Good luck!