Alice Miller, child abuse and mistreatment

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Unraveling the abuse
Friday February 02, 2007

Dear Alice,

I am in process of reading 'The truth will set you free' and really need your help. My father was very very very cruel to me. Beatings, verbal & emotional abuse, I have not yet uncovered sexual abuse however I suspect that was there. and mom did not protect me. In fact she could not protect herself from the same treatment by him. I was a perfect distraction for her. and yet I have spent 30 years trying to change him with my love &/or self abuse.

I have spent the last 8 years trying to please my now ex-husband who has cheated on me 5 times, the last time being when our daughter was 4 months old. I divorced him, but have found myself humilitating myself lately to bring him back into my life no matter what the circumstance. I perceive he is dating many women now, as he did while we were married, and yet he tells me he's not, and maintains he wants to reconsile.... my gut tells me he is playing games with me, is angry with me because I divorced him, and it will please him to cause humiliation and pain to me regardless.

why do I still want this man? why do I still think I love him? is it my father-hunger????

bulimia, anorexia, alcoholism, self-hatred have plagued my life for 25 years.. i'm so exhausted of punishing myself ...

help... i have 2 children that I am despartly trying to not pass along this abuse to...

K.

AM: You write: “why do I still want this man? why do I still think I love him? is it my father-hunger???? bulimia, anorexia, alcoholism, self-hatred have plagued my life for 25 years.. i'm so exhausted of punishing myself ...” So you do very well know the answers to your questions. What you have to do yet is to realize how your father treated you, how much you suffered because of HIM and to rebel against HIM. You write that you loved him so much, why did you? When you get rid of this “love,” other substitutes would no longer be necessary.

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