Alice Miller, child abuse and mistreatment

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Your emotions – your friends
Friday February 02, 2007

Hello Alice,
I ahve written to this address before but have not recieved a response. I am writing again with a specfic question as I continue on my journey of healing and health. Approximately 15 years ago after working with a Gestalt Therapist as well as group therapy for a year I began having memories of sexual abuse, I was flooded with them. I was 34 years old and had never had any notion of such a thing. It was a man much like a Father to us who lived with us until the last of seven children was 14. At the time I was remembering very vivid images I could always see my two younger sisters next in age to me there as well. One of my sisters at the time was having some feelings although no memories. When I told my parents and family my Mother supported and believed me, my oldest sister was wild and insisted they put memories in my head. She supported the abuser saying we were seeing quacks with no credentials. My father who I thought would kill him did nothing and said he could just not believe his best friend he knew all his life would do this. My Mother was asking questions and getting advice, she never doubted a word.My Father just continued to stay in disbelief.

Over the last two years two of my sisters including the one who had feelings inadvertently told me they no longer believed me. Everybody had a version they thought something may have happened but only to me, my Father said I had the wrong guy. MY sister with feelings now knows she had false memories. Even my Mother who still believed me said it must of only happened to me.

I have never waivered or changed my story to the point my oldest Sister and I are completely estranged. I went to the police to give his name in case anyone else comes forward, I have continued to work on myself with the aid of an enlightened therapist, and continue to take back myself everyway possible. I have done alot of healing body work and continued to uncover and heal. I read The Body Never Lies and refered to it like a bible. I took healing workshops with fellow survivors. I have never left my healing journey, and do so believe the body does not lie. I have honored me and refuse to stay in denial.
A tough and final blow came for me when my Mother died in November. I had to watch the abuser at her wake my Father shaking his hand no one stood up for me. My Father continued to attempt to guilt me out and make me feel sorry for him.For the first time in my life I did not put him first, I am not connected to him or any of my family right now it has been very painful. I blame my Father for his cowardice in not getting the family help when I first revealed the memories. I feel I have been sold so he can stay in his denial. I have disconnected to heal and be angry at being raped and tortured not once but twice. It has been a hard but necessary road.

Alice have you heard of other cases like mine where only one remembered well actually two. I know and have read so much but tell me again people do repress memories. I know I was a baby when it started and I was around 11 when he did not want me anymore. I have suffered such abandonment issues. I really just want to hear another normal reaction of anger and compassion for me. I hope you will reply.
Sincerely, N. L.

AM: Thank you for your letter. You are asking: ”have you heard of other cases like mine?”
Your case is not at all an exception. In almost all cases the family (or the institution) protects the abuser and they put the blame on the victim who insists on the truth. So she (or he) feels abandoned and isolated because other victims prefer to stay in denial and refuse to be witnesses. But eventually, it is the truth that will set you free, working in a group will help you to get compassion and witnesses to your suffering. But above all your emotions of sorrow and RAGE will become your best friends to protect you from the lies, denial and becoming ill.

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