Tuesday January 02, 2007
DEAR ALICE MILLER;
I've come to point where i can more or less see a certain puzzle that is made of answers that i have searched all my life, answers to behavior patterns, fears, not able to be honest etc., even though i still try to "figure" out things rather than letting myself feel, (i do feel a lot more than the past by the way and i cry like i never did before) i now am left with a gap in my memory, i want to be hypnotized, to cover that, i have a strong feeling what will be revealed, and somehow i feel that now it would be out of curiosity more than anything. of course i might be wrong and that is why I'm writing you.i ask myself would it change my life today, because today, even though i have a picture and priceless understandings, i found out i still am not trusting, i still can't look in the mirror and tell myself "i love you", i still can't grasp values and i still don't know who i really am., I'm 37, i have a beautiful 11 year old daughter, I'm in a 9 year relationship with a wonderful man (but the relationship is in jeopardy because of this uncertainty of who i am), i have a feeling that there is a gap in my grasping., for instance - i understand and appreciate values and yet it seems like i can't practice them. how do i make the ends meet? why is it like this? what am i doing wrong? i asked my therapist and shes curious and refers me to some helpful books and i get the feeling i should be able to answer this by myself, but i don't, just when i think I'm on the right track, i find out it's pretty far from reality. it can be sometimes devastating, what do you think?
just to mention i have read your books, also sue blume's "secret survivors" ,the books were a boost of understandings for me, again the understanding is there, the hurt - that gave me strength, but there is, if you will, a missing "wire". there are other positive changes like, my art. up until now i could draw "in the right mood", now i draw much better and my drawings are practically stories,and it has nothing to do with mood anymore. that was a breakthrough for me.
i very much appreciate your time and care and thank you so much.
this letter can be published.
AM: Can you write what question do you actually want me to answer for you?