Alice Miller, child abuse and mistreatment

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The forgotten rape
Wednesday December 20, 2006

Dear Professor Miller
Your research is like a clear light in the deep darkness of world’s deception.
Your discoveries and thoughts helped me to review my whole life.
There is something that I want to share with, something that I want to ask you about.
I am single, 34 years old. I am outraged about my parents (especially at my sadistic, pervert father; my mother is his victim but also his devoted helper and protector), about the religions, about the education, about the political system! I am very worried about what is going on in the world, but also about my sexual fantasies. My brain is very damaged and sick.
I fantasize about beautiful and evil women who possess absolute power and command to do all kinds of evil in the world, along with raping, torturing and murdering children!
I ask myself: What is this monster in my head?
I believe that my father molested me when I was a small child, but I don’t have any direct proof except those abominable fantasies. He is a man with the mask of being a devoted Catholic, however I discovered that he had betrayed my mother many times, making pervert proposals even to the closest members of our family (like to my mother’s sister or his brother’s wife). He occupied himself with occult and considered all women to be whores, as he taught me secretly, of course “except your mother”. Being a pervert skirt-chaser he imposed upon me the severe anti-sexual upbringing, which resulted in me turning into a fanatic and cutting off my penis more than 12 years ago. My life and health was rescued.
I remember that I was masturbating long time before my first confession (perhaps already at the age of five). My father was imposing on me a huge feeling of guilt because of this “mortal sin”. But I believe that he was the one who had stimulated me first in order to “strengthen my will” (i.e. gain absolute control over my life) later.
Please, confirm or counter my feelings and suspicions.
I will greatly appreciate your advice or reply!
A.S.

AM: I never heard about perverse sexual fantasies that were not the effects of endured sexual abuse in childhood. In most cases, these causes are denied or disguised but you seem to see them clearly, fortunately. Once you can feel the rage against your parents for the crimes you already know, you will not need the fantasies that scare you so much. In having them, you protect your parents from your rage and yourself from the truth. But now your parents have no longer power over you. Unless you give them the power. If not, you can feel your rage and liberate yourself.

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